A life changing application

Today, I've finally submitted a life changing application. I really hope it'll get accepted. But that would mean a lot of sacrifices that will be made in order to fullfill the purpose of this application, if you get what I mean ^^''...
Cross ma fingahz, teh results will be out next week, I hope .___.''' oh yeahhhh~

Ah, and I've finally fixed my music player, it's now at the bottom of the page, and I set the volume to really low so that no sudden burst of volume will scare u. And don't worry, it's all piano scores anyways, I like people to chill and relax while reading my blog :).

As for my current status, well.. I'm kinda busy ^^''
Learning Objective C (Programming and Design) is a lot of work, if only I could take the whole programming language dictionary and stuff it into my brain. That'll make things easier~ But I've only got 2 weeks to go and I would really like to finish this iphone app as soon as I can! So if there's anyone out there who can help me, just poop me a msg plz kthxbai.

I'm also building a game with a friend at the moment, we've finally set deadlines to ourselves, but we didn't manage to hit 2 deadlines in time <___<''' so much for deadlines huh? It's okay, I'm working my ass off now, in hoping that I'll get enough materials generated in time. We aim to create a prototype before June 7th (?). It's sometime before the IGDA (Independent Game Developer's meetup). And we hope to spark some interests and maybe snag some jobs from there too :P.

Well, I guess that is all for now. Thanks for reading :).

My Generation

I came across this video while browsing youtube.
Brings back lots of good memories when i used to be a primary schooler in Malaysia/Brunei.
And I'm pretty sure it's very different than Australia too, I wonder what was it like for Australia....

Kinda sad that I've lost all contacts to my primary school friends in Malaysia, well... that's life =\.

What was your generation like?

Working in a restaurant

It's my third day working in a restaurant, today I was given a different role instead of the tiresome waitering role. I had a chance to be part of the front window kitchen :D! w00t. Say goodbye to angry customers who complains about the food delay or the unavailability of certain dishes for the day. Thou I really love to greet customers and all the formalities stuff cuz it's just a weird habit of mine, but yeah, really glad I don't have to see their angry faces xD, just gonna miss the happy smiling ones, and sometimes, sexy ones too *wink wink*.

Regardless of the role, both roles are pretty tiring as well, especially if it's long hours, and although very busy, time seems to flow REALLY REALLY slow =\... compare to the time when I was working in Malaysia, that one just zoomed really fast, as if it my 7 months was just yesterday <__<'''..... horrible ain't it? I really wonder whats with the big difference in my sense of time ^^'''...

My chef mentor was telling me about his passion in cooking, and how he was a western chef before he came to Australia, he has 12 years of Western (Fusion) chef experience, but it got me wondering what is he doing here =\... the fusion chef role sounds really fun and challenging. Whatever the reason is, I think he'll unveil it slowly, which I'm really eager to hear. Cuz I'm really interested in people's progression throughout life and how they deal/cope with it, perhaps I should make an animation about someone's life sometime in the future when I'm more familiar with animation :).

Ahhh, at the moment, I'm also learning Objective C Cocoa coding for creating iPhone apps for the company that I'm currently having an intern with. Though slow cuz I've been busy with other stuffs lately (like drawing and painting practices), but I hope to catch up soon so I can contribute to them as soon as possible. I'm really happy that they accepted me as an intern, not many companies are willing to accept me for my lack of "skills" <__<''' plus the dropping rate of animation/game studios makes it even harder to look for jobs.... So yeah, I really hope to contribute my 140% to my current company, to show how much I appreciate them for taking me in.

Mmm, yeah, that's all for today :). Though I'm still feeling pretty high (maybe from all that adrenaline rush from work) but I best be off sleeping cuz I have to wake up early tmrw ^^'''... Thanks for reading!!!

Always believe in your heart

It's has been one hella of a life for the past 2 weeks, but I'm really glad that it's that way, I'd much prefer a super busy week than a week of doing nothing but rotting at home. Anyways~

Today I was able to chill on my couch and watch Kiki's Delivery service. It really feels good after a long hard day of work. And what I've learned from Kiki is to always believe in yourself. Ever since I got back from Perth, I wasn't able to draw anything at all, and whenever I do try to draw something, I ended up hating it a lot and starting doubting my skills, so I skidded away from drawing for almost a month or so, and now drawing seems to be fun for me again~ wohoo. Yeah.. I guess it's if you force yourself too much on something, things will get out of hand and as a human, you'll eventually lose faith in yourself. That is why we take "Breaks", or "rest". When something is super hot, let it cool down, or else it'll have a break down.

Speaking of break down, I think I nearly broke myself yesterday. It's been a long time since I've felt this tired before... I was given a working trial in Papa Rich as a waiter, and boy was that super tiring. I worked from 5 p.m till 10.30 p.m and my legs/feet is still killing me! Thou the work is really hard, I don't really mind it thou, seems like fun. But with this much effort that I have to put into a job that isn't going to help me with my career objective, I doubt I'll last long, I wonder if I'll even make it through the 1 month mark.

But with this waitering job, I somehow feel even more enthusiastic about getting a "real" job and improving my drawing skills. Maybe it's cuz of the constant movement and running that is giving me a boost in energy, or the fact that I don't wanna see myself working too long with Papa Rich and gotta get outta here as soon as possible, either way I'm really glad I'm having that extra boost to help me conquer my career goals.

Mkay, the sore feet is calling for some sleep xD. Thanks for reading :)!

The Journey

It was truly an amazing "Journey". From the stunningly beautiful visuals to the heavily emotional soundtracks. The Journey is a PS3 game which can only be downloaded on the PSN Network for $20. It was first introduced by my cousin, as she described how random the game was. With no info, a few tutorials, my first few minutes into the game began with a let-down, thinking to myself "What did I just buy for $20?!" But it's sorta like one of those minecraft moments, where you have to explore the game by yourself without any help.

But wow it's been awhile since I felt this satisfied about a game that I bought. One of the biggest highlights of this game for me is the soundtrack. I really love the eerie haunting yet warm and soothing soundtrack, and it fits PERFECTLY with the game! Sadly thou the game was only less than 2 hours of gameplay, a very short game indeed, yet mind blowing!

Another feature that I found interesting was the random encounters with other players who ventures alongside with you. Each chapter consists of only you and your partner, and the idea of not being able to communicate via voice chat or text, but only through a notification sound, is interesting. Not only that, the name of the player is not shown as well until the end of the game where the credits shows who you ventured with throughout your gameplay. It's a really interesting idea, "To travel with a complete stranger whom you've never met before, neither do you know anything about their personal background like age or gender".

Shortly after finishing the game, I went and bought the soundtrack! Yes you hear me, "BOUGHT", with real dollars and not Kilobytes from them Pirates. The soundtrack was 9 bucks on Itunes, but heck, I love the soundtrack soo much, and to me it's a 9 dollars well spent on an album :D.

$29 dollars well spent and satisfied! It was truly an amazing Journey. Thank you thatgamecompany for creating such a wonderful game! And thank you Austin Wintory for the brilliant soundtrack! :)

15th April 2012 Update

Woah it's been awhile since I updated my blog.

Anyways, here goes~

Things are going okay right now, I've finally found a job all thanks to a super someone xD! I'll be working alongside with her starting next week. Thou my position is an intern, and I don't get any pay out of it, but I'll be working once a week only (for now) and hey, it's not about the pay, it's about the experience xD! hehehehe.

I might be getting a second job too, at a computer store selling parts and stuffs. But I'm still waiting for a reply for that. I called the boss up last Friday to ask when can I start work and when does he prefer me to work, he told me he was in a meeting and said he'll call me back later... and it's Sunday now and I still haven't received a phone call... Maybe I'll give him a call tomorrow~.

As for my art.... it's still kinda frozen out there. I haven't drawn anything for the past 3 weeks, and a few days ago, I started picking up my pencil again doodling faces. For now it's one of those things that I have to get it right instead of anatomy. I feel like it plays an important role when it comes to defining a person's style... or maybe that's just me ^^''

I've been doing evening runs on the treadmill too. Thou the results are very small, but I do feel a little healthier, and I've completely cut out sugar from my diet. So please don't tempt me with anything sweet and yummy >__<'' Or I will just KO you >:D mwahahahhaha.

Hmmm yeah... I guess that's about it ^^. Sorry for the boring entry today. Nothing exciting has been happening lately in my life, apart from job seeking and exercising. But thanks for reading anyways :)

Depression

Ever since that Perth trip, it got me thinking a lot about my current situation, and reflecting back on my past events, all my actions and behaviours. I never knew it would come down to this one hurtful word... "Depression".

Yes this is going to be another entry about my personal life, but please know that I'm not an emo :P. I don't cut hahahaha. Please forgive me if somethings don't really make sense, there's still heaps going around my head at the moment, but I'll try my best to describe them.

I'm not sure how it happened, but I know it started a long time ago without even me noticing it. Until today, I finally understood what I just went through for a very long time. It came to me when I was discussing with some friends today about achievements and job employments, we were all dreaming about being successful and having a wonderful job.

It then got me thinking about some of my friends around me who are currently successful and have a good stable(?) job.

How did they reach there in the first place?

What did they do to achieve that goal?

Achievements, am I even able to achieve anything?

What are some of the achievements in life that I've done?

None? Are you sure?

How about high school?

Nothing as well?

Why is that? Why aren't you like the others?

It is actually because, I love to play things safe. I'd rather not take risk and meet failure. I hate failing, I never want to fail at all, but ironic isn't it? That I'm currently failing in life.

I can even prove that I love to play things safe, whenever I play video games, I tend to over-level my characters to defeat monsters than fighting them with what I have at the moment. I like buying all the best weapons and armor first, knowing that I'll be safe and a 100% guarantee that I'll win instead of going with whatever the game difficulty has given me.

But with this behaviour, it turned me into someone who's afraid to do things. A "biased exception" that causes depression; knowing that it won't work, it's a definite fail. An example of this would be "losing weight". For years now I've been trying to lose weight and it's still in my to do list. Everytime I tried doing it, the results aren't always there, eventually I stop and give up till the next time I bring it up. As I continue putting it on my to-do-list, instead of being a real goal, it becomes something to just fill up my to-do-list. Knowing that no matter what I do, it's going to fail anyways.

My art is also an example of this behaviour, in fact, it's probably the biggest contributor to this negative feeling that I have. I've been drawing for years, but no matter how much I draw, my knowledge and techniques seem to be stuck and no improvements are in place at all. When my mentor told me that with 2 months of gesture drawing, I'll become a decent artist. But it's been nearly 5 months now, and there are hardly any results at all. So the feeling of failure still comes in place, each time I try drawing something and it doesn't come out the way I wanted it to be, I would just give up, erase everything and end up with a blank canvas again, but I will never stop believing my mentor's words, and my current "blank canvas" habit is something I must overcome in order to break this failure habit. It's not easy being a good artist, especially someone who's trying to force that talent out. But with a dedicated amount of effort and practice, it'll do wonders to it.

However, my parents started opposing me of taking this art direction, since I'm too slow in showing them any sort of results or improvement, they began thinking that I'm just being useless at home doing nothing at all. So they tried and force me into other paths such as engineering, draftsmen, computer science. I'm not saying they're bad, they just want what's best for me. I don't blame them for my depression, since I couldn't clarify my goals nor show them results. But each time they bring up this topic, I began thinking "I'm really useless, I'm not doing anything right at all, I'm just a waste of their time and money, I should've never been born into this world", and as I thought about it longer and longer, I become sad and (yes... it's embarrasing to say this, but it happens! Even thou I'm a guy) tears would start flowing out....(please don't abuse this soft side of me my dear readers.... ^^'')

With all those negative thoughts, it kept me wishing if I could just vanish from this world and end the game. But strangely enough, I never thought about committing suicide at all.... Maybe it's because I knew suiciding is not the answer, for it'll be the ultimate disgrace to my family and friends that I wasn't able to handle "life". So please do not worry about me, I have no intentions to take my life, nor will I ever do so.

Hmmm... I'm kinda lost for words now... it feels like a never ending story, but I'd like to write it in my blog, since it's a place where I can store and share these thoughts instead of keeping it in my heart to myself ^^''.... I will beat this depression thingy, Perth was quite an impact on me, and I think I know what I should be doing..... hopefully ^^'''

(to be continued~)

Rehab Completed

I have returned from Perth :D!

It was quite an experience hahahahaha. My mind somehow feels a little clearer now, and things in my head are flowing a bit better too. But it feels odd when I came home and turned on my PC.

I stared at my monitor for a few seconds, wondering "what is this thing that I'm staring at?" and then realized, it's my monitor that displays information and stuffs hahahahaha. What a funny odd feeling xD.

While in Perth, I got sometime to talk to my mom about my current employment/job situation (I mean.... I had like 11 days with her hahahahaha! So it's bound to come up in our daily conversation). There was an argument of course (which ended with me barging out of the apartment and strolling around the city alone to clear things up in my head). But I'm glad it came to a proper conclusion. I'll spare the long story thou, don't want anyone to be reading this as a bedtime story to sleep :P.

I have a really good feeling, that many goals will be accomplished this year. Good feeling ~ :). Let's make 2012 the best year in my life xD! I (think) I've finally got a good direction in what I wanna do. I hope this one will be it. Perth was a really good trip after all, it cleared my head quite a lot~ Thanks Perth :) Thanks Sis, Mom and Dad :).

Perth~

In just a few hours, I'll be on a flight to Perth to visit my sister.

The duration of my visit is going to be 11 whooping days. And I'm really looking forward to see how boring Perth may be hahahaha. Thou I see it as a rehab for myself, cuz I've been rotting my brain at home for months now, and it's time to take the friendly advice that I had and commence it.

I heard the weather there is very hot too. My sis told me this weekend is going to be 40 degrees :S.... ouch. But I'm sure I'll survive it ^^''' that's if the boredom doesn't kill me first.

I will also attempt to do some research on the game project that I'm working with another friend. I'll be researching on jungle's/forest/ruins type of environment. no no, I'm not going into jungles, just parks hahaha, taking pix of what I think maybe good resource materials.

Mkay, that's about it! Be back in 2 weeks time :).

Update 2012-02-25

Time to give an update on life.

I've been job searching, and only had 1 interview lolz.

It was a Junior Graphic Designer position in a corporate company. My uncle's friend introduced me to his company's Graphic Designer team. But sadly, after going through that intense interview with so many embarrassing moments (I had a very dry throat, and no leather shoes), I have failed to pass their 1st test.

It was understandable. I didn't show any graphic design work at all, and all I can say to them is "I'm willing to learn anything at all to get this role". That wasn't enough, they wanted someone professional cuz it's a corporate company, no point hiring a newbie to do high profile works. Oh well... But the interview was fun anyways :P.

Constantly drawing is what I've been doing lately. Wake up and draw, then sleep. Routine repeats. There's still so much to learn, so much to study, but soo little time... I'm meant to be learning Objective C coding as well for Apple Apps development, but lately I threw that aside to do drawings and paintings.... I hope I know where I'm going with this. But discovering painting techniques and brushes are soo much fun! But executing them is another thing <__<'''

Oh how I wish there was like 48hours in a day, or if I could stay awake everyday with just 2 hours of sleep....

I'm currently also constructing my website, I've bought a domain/host space and currently waiting for it to be activated. Gonna make some awesome HTML5 one page portfolio xD. w00t! And by the time I finished my website, hopefully I have some decent paintings to put in it too.

Yeah... that's about it... Still hoping that I'll get a job. Whether it be animation, or janitor. I just need a casual/part time to rake in some income while I pump my art skill xD.