Indecisive moments

It has been tossing around my head, about what I really want in life, and how I'm going to achieve that. Everytime when I had a talk to someone, I locked in that I wanna make the change now, but the next day, an event would happen where it would counter me back to where I started again, which is being indecisive.

It's really hard to make these decisions.... Especially when you're someone who is soo open to anything that you can listen to. The reason for this behaviour is because in my thoughts, I kept thinking that I'm still yet to learn about a lot of things, therefore I'm always open to opinions and comments. But it's a really bad habit to do so, cuz it's really frustrating when you can't make up your mind hahahahaha.

For example, after a long discussion with my parents about what I feel like doing, (i.e leaving my current company to continue studying from a proper animation institute or get a job back in Melbourne and part time studying) it made me feel like "Yes, this is what I really want to do, I'm going to do it! I'm quitting my company next month!".

However, coincidentally, I had a team meeting with all the leaders today, we were discussing about how we're lacking of people, deadlines are tight, and we're looking for solutions to solve our current crisis. Which brought up guilt-tripping topics like "staff leaving whenever we finished training them" or "lack of experienced people in Malaysia". These topics have poisoned the decision that I made previously from the discussion with my parents.. and now I'm back to thinking whether it's the right thing to be quitting or not....

There's actually A LOT of factors that are being considered to make this decision. At the moment, with this leadership thingy and being the 2nd technician to Toon Boom Harmony in my studio, makes it really hard to leave the company cuz of all that responsibility things, but as I continue on with this company, I feel as if I'm being burried in cement, starting from the bottom of my feet to the top. Eventually I'll be trapped in this company forever working as their slave.

Which I think is the case for my department leader.... He's been working there for nearly 7 years now, and his life is just as horrible as a fresh grad starting their job there. The company pays peanuts, and doesn't have a very fair system of treating their workers.... But I'm really glad that I stayed back tonight.

It's funny that my department leader only speaks about personal stuffs or his future after 12 a.m ish, or when there's like nearly no one else but us left. It's sorta like a bonus stage in a game where you've gone through all these extras to unlock a special bonus stage. But I'm really really glad I stayed back. He was mentoring me on how I can become a better animator, discussing about games/ animations (mainly the techniques used). It's soo inspiring, that it made me feel that if leaving soon might be a bad choice, cuz I don't think there's any other mentors that will be as good as him.

He told me about his plans, he wanted to further study on 3D character animation, but due to financial problems, he couldn't :(..... Which made me feel bad if I were to leave him just like that, knowing that it could affect his workload and lifestyle even worse. I really want him to succeed, I know he has more potential than i do, but it's just that he's bounded so tightly to my current studio, thus having no time for himself.... And seeing him work like that everyday is very depressing.

But today, he told me that he spoke to his mom about further studying, and his mom agreed to it under one condition, that he must make time for himself for this course. Hearing that enlightened me a lot. He's finally got the choice to further study after working for 7 years in a sweatshop. That he can achieve his goal and dream. All that matters now is, when will he be resigning to start this course. Or how will he make time while working. But at least he now has another path to pick rather than boring 2D all day long.

I'm sorry, i could go on forever with this, however I have to sleep now cuz it's 1.44 a.m and I have to get up for work soon :(... Perhaps I'll continue this entry some other time when I'm free :). Thanks for reading ^^!